Running a successful business can be a terrible burden. Exhaustion, long hours, no vacations, and little time for your family or hobbies. You’re obviously doing something right if your business is performing beyond your wildest expectations. But there’s no need to suffer when the cure is right in front of you: Stop being a great marketer. Here’s how.
The cure for a thriving business
Are you suffering from too much business success? Overwhelmed by leads, referrals, positive reviews, and customer calls? Fear not. We’ve got just the tactics you need to slow your growth, decrease your revenue, and help you blend back into the crowd.
20 steps to mediocrity:
01. Ignore the obvious
Disregard all products and services that are already in demand. Instead, obsess over creating new stuff from scratch so you have your own “blue ocean” with no competitors.
02. Go with the flow
Only accept and share widely accepted truths and best practices that you find on the internet. And for f*ck’s sake, don’t ever have an original thought or opinion that others might disagree with.
03. Make everybody happy
Do your best to please everyone. Your friends, customers, relatives, neighbors — everyone. Especially those who’ve opened Instagram and Facebook accounts for their pets. Whatever you do, don’t piss anybody off.
04. Master the ordinary
Be as much of a generalist as possible. Why specialize in anything when you can be mediocre at everything? Besides, watching a couple YouTube videos can make you an expert at anything.
05. Obsess over meaningless details
Spend months developing your brand assets, including your logo, tag line, colors, typeface, story, and voice. Make sure everything is inclusive, meaningful, transparent, authentic, and aligns with your “purpose.”
06. Be a data ninja
Spend at least four hours a day in Google Analytics. Because who needs actual human interaction and customer feedback when you have millions of data points to play with. Remember, if you can’t measure it, you can’t manage it.
07. Trademark everythingTM
Create a new product or service category and explain it with industry jargon — the more obscure the better. Even more impressive, give it a made-up name and add the official trademark symbol to it. This is the gold standard. Customers won’t understand it, but it looks important.
08. Strive to be popular
Spend hours trying to get followers and likes on the latest social media channel even if nobody else uses it. Obsess over finding new places to share your wisdom. Remember what Ricky Bobby said: “If you’re not first, you’re last.”
09. Customers love trendy
Be as flaky as possible when describing the problem you solve and who it’s for. For example: “Are you sick of the anxiety and overwhelm of dealing with social media? Book a free soul-infused deep dive consult today.” That’s perfect.
10. Act like a billionaire
Spend as much time and energy as humanly possible on tasks that you hate. Force yourself to like them because that’s how billionaires do it. I think even Elon Musk tweeted about it, so it must be true.
11. Do it alone
Always be fiercely independent. Be a company of one. Do everything yourself and never ask for outside help. Nobody can help you anyway, because you already know everything there is to know.
12. Tools matter
Squander cash on all the latest tools, frameworks, and processes to help you improve your productivity by 0.01%. This is absolutely critical if you want to get an edge. If you don’t already have six or seven generative AI tools, you’re doomed. Perpetually chase the next shiny thing and latest trend. FOMO is real.
13. Be logical
Treat customers like rational beings who make unemotional decisions like economists. Be as logical as possible to make sure you end up at the exact same place as your competitors.
14. Follow the hustle bros
Seek out and learn from people who have never invested the time, money, or effort to address the problem you’re trying to solve. Better yet, pay these people ridiculous sums to 10X your revenue.
15. Larry drives a Land Rover Defender
Invent as many customer personas as possible. Start with five and grow to ten. Spend at least two hours each day brainstorming with your team. Make sure each persona has a fun name so everyone remembers it. My favorites are Larry and Sierra.
16. Pursue perfection
Aim to do everything extremely well. Do not accept any trade-offs. Perfection is key, even if it means sacrificing everything else.
17. Confusion sells
Make sure your products and services have as many features, options, and terms as possible. Customers enjoy being confused and relish any challenge to make the best choice. Oh, and be sure to hide your prices — Customers hate transparency.
18. It’s never your fault
Blame your customers for everything. It’s not your fault they can’t figure out how to use what you sell. Make them feel guilty and responsible for all their problems. Always charge extra for clarity and simplicity.
19. It’s all about you
Only follow people who share your views. Don’t bother with diverse perspectives or opposing opinions. Stay within your circle, surrounded by people who always agree with you. The rest is a waste of time.
20. Digital only
Only pay attention to digital channels. Especially social media — the newer, the better. Traditional marketing is so 2010. If it’s not online, it doesn’t exist.
Stolen from: Louis Grenier
